


'Goodbye, Ginny Bailey'

by Katef



Category: The Sentinel (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-10-19 20:43:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20663510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katef/pseuds/Katef
Summary: In his constant search for love, Blair believes he has found 'The One' when he starts dating a fellow TA.  However, Jim isn't so sure, even though he is unwilling to explore the real reasons behind his thinking.  How long will it take before both men finally wake up to the truth about their relationship?





	1. High hopes

**Author's Note:**

> This story is canon-divergent somewhere around the end of Season 2, early Season 3, definitely before the ep 'Crossroads' after which all the bad stuff begins! ;)
> 
> K x

**‘Goodbye, Ginny Bailey’ by Katef September 2019**   


**Chapter 1: High hopes:**  


**Simon Banks’ office, Cascade PD Major Crimes Unit: **  


Simon Banks and Jim Ellison sat sipping appreciatively at mugs of the captain’s personal stash of gourmet coffee, the atmosphere between them easy and relaxed. They had finished discussing Jim’s latest – successfully closed – case, and now were taking a few minutes’ time out to enjoy each other’s company. For a while they were simply content to be friends, rather than captain and subordinate, their conversation light and uncomplicated; catching up on subjects like Simon’s son Daryl’s progress at school and the likelihood of the Jags making the playoffs this time around. 

Eventually, Simon put down his empty mug and grinned, unwittingly changing the subject – if he did but know it – to one Jim was less happy to discuss. 

“So, Jim, where’s your shadow today? I thought he was going to come in to help you finish up your report?” 

Jim grimaced briefly, a frown between his brows. “Your guess is as good as mine, Simon. I am expecting him, and I’ve no doubt he’ll show up eventually, but he didn’t come home again last night, so I’ve no idea when.” 

Simon’s eyebrows rose. “You make it sound like this is becoming a regular thing. He got a steady girlfriend at last?” 

“Again, I don’t really know,” Jim replied reluctantly. “I mean, this is the third time this week, and I know it’s the same girl,” and he tapped his nose, sending his boss and friend a speaking glance. 

Simon nodded slightly uneasily, aware that his friend was implying that sentinel sensitivity could discern and catalogue individual scents, although the concept still made him feel uncomfortable. But if Sandburg came home smelling of the same person, however slightly, Jim would be aware of it. 

“Huh. Doesn’t necessarily mean anything though, does it?” Simon mused. “I mean, that kid has probably dated most of the available women in the PD already, and seems to be working his way through all those at the U too. Makes me tired just watching him sometimes. All that energy!” and he shook his head, chuckling ruefully. 

However, Jim didn’t respond in a similar fashion. “Yeah, I know, Simon,” he murmured, his frown deepening. “But for all his dating, I don’t think he actually sleeps with as many as we imagine. I know I’ve accused him of humping a table leg, but I think it’s more like he just likes the company of women. I think…?” he tailed off uneasily, not really wanting to have this conversation. It really wasn’t any of their business what his young roommate and partner got up to in his free time, although there was an unacknowledged part of Jim that had its own reason for avoiding the issue. 

Simon didn’t take the hint however, and continued cheerfully, “So, this could be serious then? I mean, it’s about time, I guess. I mean, he may irritate the crap out of me most of the time, but he’s a good looking kid, and all that energy must attract plenty of attention. Sometimes I have to wonder just how he manages to juggle everything he’s got going. What with working with you, his responsibilities at Rainier and his social life, no wonder he’s nicknamed the Energiser Bunny! 

“Then again,” he continued, his grin slipping, “a steady girlfriend would curtail his activity quite a bit, wouldn’t it? So I hope he’ll still have time to work with you, my friend.” 

Jim met his speculative gaze and grinned wryly. “Me too, Simon, although I know it’s a lot to ask. I just don’t know how I’ll manage these senses without him, is all, and I’m in no hurry to find out. Selfish of me, but true, I’m afraid.” 

Simon nodded unhappily. “Then let’s hope that his loyalty to you remains as firm as it has been up until now, my friend. Gotta say that he’s really impressed me in that sense – no pun intended. I still think he’s a flake at times, and I never would have given him credit for sticking around like he has, but so far he’s proved me wrong.” 

Jim nodded at that, his expression serious. “Yeah, he’s already been through a lot for me, even though he’s an untrained civilian. He’s certainly brave enough, even if he drives me nuts sometimes with the risks that he takes for me. But as you say, if he’s found the real deal at last, who knows how he’ll go on? I can’t expect him to keep dropping everything and come running just because I ask him to. 

“But if I’m to be really honest, rather than thinking just about myself, he deserves to find ‘The One’. I think he believed that Maya Carasco might have been it, but she broke his heart. He didn’t date for quite a while after that, but now he seems to be making up for lost time!” and he snickered grimly at his own words. 

Just then, he cocked his head in an unconscious ‘listening’ pose, his attention diverted for a moment. “He’s just entered the building, Simon,” he murmured, unable to quite keep the relief from his voice. 

Sure enough, a few minutes later, the young man in question erupted into the bullpen like a mini whirlwind, his customary cheerful nature obviously intact. Simon and Jim watched him cross to Jim’s desk, calling greetings on his way, then turned to face each other again. 

“Well, he seems happy enough,” Simon said, studying his friend carefully. Jim’s expression was unreadable, although Simon sensed that he wasn’t all that amused. 

In fact, Jim was anything but, even though he scolded himself for being so self-centred. Blair had that glowing ‘I got lucky’ aura about him, and Jim was dismayed to feel a pang of real jealousy. But even then, he refused to acknowledge the possible cause for it. He told himself that he didn’t care how the kid got his jollies as long as Sandburg was still willing to help him, and that’s what he intended to keep believing. 

“Thanks for the coffee, sir,” he said, his game face firmly back in place. “Now Sandburg’s deigned to show up, we’ll get on with that paperwork.” 

“OK, Detective,” Simon replied, assuming his captain’s persona once again. “If you’ll let me have it as soon as, that’ll be good.” 

And with a nod of assent, Jim stood and made for the door, Banks’ quizzical gaze tracking his progress as he returned to his desk and the young man waiting there for him.  


\-----------------------  


Blair hummed happily to himself as he parked up in the PD’s underground parking garage. Climbing out of the small Volvo which had recently replaced his beloved Corvair, he grabbed his ever-present backpack and jogged over to the elevators to ride up to Major Crimes. As he entered the empty car and pushed the button for the sixth floor, his smile grew wider as he contemplated his current state, even his tardiness unable to trouble him overmuch. 

He had spent the night over at his new girlfriend’s place, only returning to the loft for a quick shower and change of clothes before joining Jim as promised in the bullpen. The recollection of those hours of pleasure was enough to make him blush and grin harder, the feeling of well-being and good fortune buoying him up more than he had experienced in months. And it was all down to Ginny. 

Ginny Bailey was a fellow TA but in Rainier’s Music Department, and they had met up at a concert a few weeks ago. The attraction had been mutual, and Blair couldn’t believe his luck. Although not a stunner, Ginny was pretty and vivacious, and Blair was more than grateful that she should give him the time of day, especially as he had never considered himself to be a particularly good catch. Despite his many conquests – or attempts at them – he still thought of himself as a short, too smart, mouthy Jewish geek, and the fact that Ginny seemed to see something special in him warmed his heart. 

He wasn’t sure if it was true love yet, honestly accepting that he had as yet had no real experience of such an emotion. However, she was cheerfully uninhibited in bed, and interesting and entertaining out of it, and so far he wasn’t able to find any fault in their relationship. For sure it had taken him a while to get over the disappointment of his failed romance with Maya, but Ginny’s freely-offered, open affection was going a long way towards restoring a certain amount of confidence in both himself and his choice of acquaintances. 

However, thanks to the rarely acknowledged but deeply insecure part of him that remained buried but very much present within his innermost self, he felt compelled to wonder just how far he was prepared to open himself up to her, having learned at his mother’s knee not to be greedy or set his heart on either people or possessions because for sure they never lived up to expectations. But then again, although that was apparently true for Naomi, perhaps for him it might be different? And did he have the courage to challenge his upbringing to that extent? 

Deciding abruptly that his train of thought was getting way too heavy, he turned his attention to his upcoming meeting with Jim, knowing that he was a little late and that his uber-punctual sentinel and best friend would probably have a few choice words to say to him on the subject. Not that Blair was overly worried. Although for sure Jim’s words often wounded him unknowingly, by now he was able to recognise the difference between his friend’s somewhat acerbic humour and real irritation, and the humour he could and did deflect with ease these days. 

He realised, however, that he needed to reassure Jim of his commitment to their working partnership despite his developing relationship with Ginny, knowing what importance the big detective placed on trust issues, and not wanting to be found lacking in that department. His friendship with and affection for his sentinel was very real and important to him; and not just as his Primary Subject; and there was no way he wanted to jeopardise it in any way. 

Just then, the car stopped at the sixth floor, and Blair exited, immediately distracted by the greetings of the people he met in the corridor and bullpen, and was warmed by the apparently genuine welcome he received from the majority of MCU personnel. 

Making his way over to Jim’s desk, he saw his friend exit Simon’s office, and he raised an inquisitive eyebrow as Jim approached. 

“Hey, man, everything cool?” he asked, grinning cheerfully up into Jim’s stern face. “Has Simon been bending your ear over something?” 

“No, he hasn’t, and you’re late!” Jim snapped, although his frown had little effect on his ebullient young guide who was feeling far too blissed-out to be impressed. 

“Um, yeah, sorry about that, man,” Blair snickered unrepentantly, “but I came as soon as I could,” and then gave a ribald snort when he realised what he had said. 

However, apparently Jim wasn’t in the least inclined to appreciate the unintentional innuendo, so he controlled his mirth and tried valiantly to keep a straight face as he continued, “Anyway, do you want me to get started on the Findlayson paperwork? I guess Simon wants it a.s.a.p.?” 

Jim glared at him for a second, then the tiniest twitch of a grin pulled at the corner of his mouth, and he was unable to douse the twinkle that lit his ice blue eyes. It was no good. There was no way he could be mad at his irrepressible young friend for long. Blair was just too _nice_, and there was no way he could resist the sparkling blue eyes and smiling, lush-lipped mouth. Clapping a friendly hand on Blair’s shoulder, he said, “Yeah, Chief, that’d be good. The sooner we get the ‘I’s dotted and the ‘T’s crossed, the sooner we can get that piece of filth off the streets. And it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy!” he finished with a scowl. 

“I hear you, Jim,” Blair replied, his grin slipping at the thought of the sleazy paedophile they had finally managed to arrest and charge after far too long in their view, anyway. “I know I prefer to think that there’s good in all of us, but sometimes it’s real hard to find,” he added dispiritedly. 

Jim squeezed the shoulder beneath his hand comfortingly. “Don’t angst about it, Junior. We did good tracking him down, so let’s just wind up the report and then go for lunch, want to?” 

And Blair was all smiles again as he nodded eagerly. He might be going hot and heavy with Ginny at the moment, but he still had plenty of time for his best friend, and lunch together sounded just the ticket right now.  


\---------------------------  


**Shortly afterwards, at Barney’s Bar: **  


Once Jim and Blair were settled in a comfortable, semi-private booth in the popular bar, Blair reached over for the menu and glanced through it. “I think I’ll just have the soup and salad, man,” he murmured. “To be honest, I’m not that hungry although I know I should have something. How about you?” 

“You sure you don’t want more than that?” Jim asked, a slight frown between his brows as he contemplated his friend. “Then again, I guess you probably had a decent meal last night?” he probed, realising even as he said it that the kid would know exactly what he was doing. 

Sure enough, Blair grinned at him, not in the least upset by the less-than-subtle question. “Yep, I guess so,” he replied. “Ginny isn’t that much of a cook, so I offered to do the honours. And I have to say that she really did justice to my lasagne. She said I can have the job permanently if I want it!” he laughed. “She did help with the clean-up though,” he added, a reminiscent gleam in his eyes as he recalled what went on after dinner. Not that he was going to bend Jim’s ear about that though. There were limits to the big cop’s patience and curiosity after all, and Blair was certain he wouldn’t want a blow-by-blow account of their creative and energetic lovemaking. 

Jim merely nodded in response, forcibly quashing the twinge of envy he felt at the thought of some other person enjoying one of his roommate’s signature dishes. And his company. _For pity’s sake, Ellison,_ he admonished himself. _It’s got nothing to do with you who Sandburg cooks for! You’re reacting like a jealous schoolkid!_ He couldn’t deny the stab of pain, however, or the unsettling thought that it might become more and more of an option if Blair and this woman got really serious. 

And how long before she started making suggestions about Blair moving in with her? Was this the beginning of the end for their cosy partnership after all? He knew very well that he had no right to try and hold on to the grad student indefinitely, even if he trusted Blair to hold true to his offer to still be there for his sentinel when required, if only at the end of a phone line. He could still envisage a time when, dissertation done and perhaps settled in with this Ginny person, Blair would eventually want to move on with his life, and Jim was shocked at how much that thought hurt. 

Shaking himself out of his morbid introspection, Jim realised that his appetite had faded also. Looking up to meet Blair’s now quizzical gaze, he muttered, “I think I’ll just go for the Philly cheese steak sandwich. I had a pretty decent breakfast after all,” he lied. Then, forcing himself to relax, he set out to try and enjoy some simple and amicable down-time with his young partner. 

And if Blair could see right through his act, he was too tactful to call Jim on it.  
TBC


	2. Unpalatable Realities

**Unpalatable Realities: **  


Over the following weeks, Jim saw less and less of his friend at the loft, even though the young man lived up to his promise to put in his hours at the PD in support of his sentinel. Objectively, Jim was pretty much amazed at how Blair kept up the frenetic pace, dividing his time between his girlfriend, his responsibilities at the U and making time for Jim, and he supposed that he should be grateful for Blair’s continuing commitment. He also worried about his friend, certain that something eventually would have to give if Sandburg wasn’t to burn himself out, but was honest enough to admit that he prayed that it wasn’t the limited time they still managed to spend together. However, when Blair was actually home, Jim found himself studying the younger man surreptitiously, noting the often tired, and somewhat distracted aura that seemed to cling to his friend now. In between overnight stays at Ginny’s place, dinner dates, studying and the ever-present marking duties and syllabus planning, Blair’s few evenings in invariably ended with him falling asleep on the sofa, sometimes even in the middle of a conversation with Jim. And Jim was ashamed to admit to himself that he was feeling decidedly antsy about the whole situation. 

Oh, yes, he knew that it wasn’t all about him – in theory. But in fact, he had come to enjoy being the centre of Blair’s attention, and it annoyed him to witness the rather abstracted, sappy expressions he often saw on Sandburg’s face when the grad student waxed lyrical about his latest exploits with Ginny. He resolutely refused to acknowledge that he was jealous, but a niggling, inner voice insisted that he was. And that irritated the crap out of him, so much so that he found himself frequently snapping at his roommate when common sense should have warned him that it was no way to encourage Blair to keep on coming home to the loft even for the limited hours he did. It was purely down to Blair’s own good nature that he hadn’t yet told Jim what he could do with his bad temper, and that made Jim feel even more guilty. It couldn’t go on, and they both knew it, but neither man seemed to want to do anything about the situation, fraught as it was. 

The trouble was, that from Jim’s point of view, he surprised himself by realising that he really didn’t _want_ Blair to move out. Oh sure, he had only grudgingly allowed the kid to move in ‘for a week’ after his warehouse ‘home’ blew up, but over the ensuing months he had come to enjoy sharing his space with the bouncy, untidy bundle of energy, and he really didn’t relish the prospect of having his home to himself again. Despite the ‘House Rules’, which were only mentioned now and again because Blair expected it of him, and took no notice of them anyway, he actually didn’t mind cleaning his friend’s hair out of the drain or picking up his wet towels if it meant that he was still present in some way or another. And the more often Blair was absent at night, the more Jim realised that he had grown to rely on Blair’s nocturnal movements and mutterings from the small bedroom downstairs to keep his senses grounded. When Blair wasn’t there, the silence was deafening, and Jim often woke with a headache brought on by trying to subdue his senses alone. 

It was hardly surprising then that his colleagues in Major Crimes began to notice – and remark upon – his deteriorating temper and patience, which had improved dramatically during the first months of Blair’s presence in his life. And Simon, as both his friend and his superior, knew that he needed to confront Jim about the whole issue before there were ructions in his unit. It wasn’t that Jim’s success rate had diminished noticeably, because Blair still turned up to ride with him and support him almost as much as before, but the easy, amicable relationship between detective and observer was no longer evident, and Simon had to wonder just how much longer it would last. And after fielding yet another complaint about Ellison’s truculence from none other but his treasured secretary, Rhonda, he knew he needed answers sooner rather than later. He therefore decided to take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and the very next morning, as soon as Jim arrived in the bullpen, he summoned the man to his office in his usual peremptory manner. 

“Ellison! My office, now!” 

Lips thinning in irritation, Jim turned to do as he was bid, knowing that whatever Simon had to say, it probably wasn’t going to be good. And it did no good at all telling himself that it was his own fault. As far as he was concerned, it was the rest of the world which was out of step, and without his best friend beside him he was left adrift and struggling to get back into marching order. 

As he entered Simon’s office, one glance at his captain’s scowl was enough to send up the warning flags, and Jim automatically assumed a military stance before Banks’ desk; back straight, shoulders back and his face as near to studiedly neutral as he could manage under the circumstances. And as it turned out, he was right to be concerned. 

“So, Detective, is there something you need to explain?” Simon started straight in, having neither the time nor inclination to exchange pleasantries with his subordinate. 

Jim stiffened even further, and his expression became mutinous, with a pugnacious set to his firm jaw. If he did but know it, in Simon’s opinion he resembled nothing so much as the tame pitbull to which his boss had once compared him. 

“I don’t know what you mean, sir!” he responded testily, his tone clipped and barely polite. Simon simply stared at him speculatively for a long moment, then pulled a sheet of paper towards him, perusing it with feigned interest. 

“Well, how about this, Detective?” he murmured eventually, his tone deceptively calm and understanding. “This is a list of complaints I’ve compiled over the past few weeks, all of them regarding you and your surly attitude of late. Let’s see now,” he continued. “It’s quite a long one, so I’ll give you a few of the most recent examples. Hmmmm…OK, how about this? Perkins in Filing says that you’d better never ask him to retrieve any more paperwork as a favour, because it just isn’t happening. You can get your own in future. 

“Ah, yes. Rafe and H are keeping their distance from you unless absolutely necessary when duty calls. H says he likes his features just the way they are, thank you very much. 

“Susan the doughnut girl told me that you nearly bit her head off because she’d run out of your favourite morning Danish the other day, and just where do you get off showing up Cassie Welles in front of her own techs at a crime scene?” 

At that, Jim found himself unable to hold back from defending his actions, truly believing that that complaint at least was unjustified. 

“Oh, come on, sir! She might be good at her job, but she’s still not a detective! She should stick to forensics and shouldn’t be poking her nose in where it’s not wanted or needed!” 

“That’s not the point, and you know it Ellison!” Simon snapped. “It was rude and unnecessary, and if it wasn’t that she thought it could impact detrimentally on Sandburg – for whom she has great respect and fondness I might add – she would be making a formal complaint against you!” 

By then, Jim’s scowl was darkening rapidly, and the muscles jumped in his jaw as he ground his teeth together in frustration and fury. This wasn’t fair. It wasn’t his fault that the senses – and his temper – were getting out of control. Gods, where was Blair when he needed him? 

But Simon hadn’t finished. “And there’s this too, Jim. You know how laid-back and tolerant Rhonda is? Well, you’ve even managed to upset _her_, and that really does take some perverse skill! So, what are you going to do about it? Because from where I’m sitting, you have a whole lot of apologising to do at the very least!” 

_Gods! This isn’t fair! It’s not my fault!_ was Jim’s initial reaction, but seconds later he mentally backed down. No, it wasn’t, but only insofar as he had been forced through circumstances beyond his control to drop his protective barriers and let someone special into his life. Maybe against his better judgement, and certainly against his nature, he had let Sandburg insinuate himself into Jim’s existence at every level, and now he was slowly withdrawing Jim hadn’t got a clue how he was going to cope. Dropping his gaze, he tried valiantly to pull his wayward thoughts together so that he could at least provide his boss and friend with a reasonable explanation. 

However, Simon was a step ahead of him, having given a lot of thought to the problems besetting his lead detective, and one of his oldest friends. His voice now gentle and sympathetic, he said, “Just how much is Sandburg’s new relationship affecting you, Jim? It is that, isn’t it? I mean, I’ve never seen you accept another person – especially one as…uh…_different_ as Sandburg, so I have to think that his absence is upsetting you. Tell me I’m wrong, Jim?” 

Raising his eyes to meet with Simon’s now understanding gaze, Jim sighed heavily and gave in. His boss might know in theory about the relationship between sentinel and ‘guide’, but he didn’t really understand the extent of Jim’s need for Sandburg’s input and, more importantly, his physical presence. But Jim also knew that he had no right to impose himself on the grad student’s life just because he _needed_ him. Blair had a right to his own life too, and short of coercing him into staying, Jim realised that he had to let the young man go, however hard it would be. 

And how he would live without him, Jim had no idea. 

“No, Simon, you’re not wrong,” he finally admitted, his voice low and heavy with pain. “I had no idea how much I had begun to rely on Blair. His presence, his advice, hell, even all the small stuff he began doing for me to make my life more comfortable! And I hate it! I’ve always relied on myself. Never wanted to give anyone that amount of control over me! But having done so, it’s so hard to go back to how I was. I want him with me, Simon. In whatever capacity. He makes me feel whole, and I have absolutely no way of explaining it any better than that!” 

Simon regarded him shrewdly for a long time, and then sighed in sympathy. “Sit down, Jim. Don’t just stand there like you’re back in the military. I might be your boss, but I like to think that I’m also your friend, and we need to talk about this in a non-confrontational way, don’t you think? See if we can come up with some sort of plan of action between us?” 

After a few seconds, Jim nodded his assent. “Thanks, Simon,” he offered. “I appreciate your patience, sir. So, where should I begin?”  


\----------------------------  


**Blair: **  


Meanwhile, even as his unofficial boss and sentinel were discussing Jim’s problems, Blair was letting himself into his office at the U, feeling tired but in a good way. His smile was soft and contented as he recalled the previous evening’s activities, and he couldn’t help but ponder on them for a while longer before preparing for his first lecture of the day. 

Although Ginny’s instrument of choice was the cello, with which she performed as a virtuoso in Rainier’s well-respected orchestra, she also had a sweet singing voice, and played acoustic guitar for pleasure. She was in the habit of meeting up with several like-minded friends from the Music Department for impromptu jamming sessions, playing anything they liked from folk to classic rock. And as soon as she had found out about Blair’s own capability on the guitar, plus his exceptionally pleasant light baritone, he had been invited to join in. Even though he had been a bit diffident at first, he soon found himself welcomed with open arms and absorbed into the group, and thoroughly enjoyed both the music and the camaraderie. 

Last night’s session had been as entertaining as ever, but because such get-togethers tended to go on late into the night, he had once again stayed over at Ginny’s place. However, this time, because they both had early starts in the morning, he had taken a change of clothing with him so he could shower and change at hers rather than rush back to the loft. It was for purely practical reasons, but then his face clouded a little as he remembered his lover’s words as they sat at breakfast, drinking a last cup of coffee. 

Sitting opposite him at her tiny kitchen table, Ginny had looked so lovely, in Blair’s eyes at least. Smiling and glowing with a well-loved aura, her wavy brunette hair was glossy in the rare sunlight streaming through the window, framing her attractive face as she gazed intently at Blair. Returning her smile, Blair had to wonder yet again what she saw in him, but wasn’t about to complain. However, when she spoke, his simple pleasure had soured somewhat as she had once more brought up the topic he had so far tried to avoid. 

“You know, baby, seeing as you spend so much time here anyway, why don’t you just move in? I can’t understand why you should still want to keep going backwards and forwards to your cop friend’s place. Wouldn’t it be so much easier for both of us? Or don’t you love me enough?” she ended, with a provocative pout. 

And once again Blair was forced to try and placate her with excuses, because he still couldn’t bring himself to make a decision either way. 

“Um, look, Ginny, you know I love you, right?” he began. “But it’s not quite as easy as that. I mean, I told you all about my reason for getting the ride-along at the PD so I can gather data for my diss, and it just so happened that Jim allowed me to stay with him when the warehouse blew up. It was very generous of him, and I don’t feel right just upping and leaving without talking it over with him, see?” and he sent her his most pleading, puppy dog look. 

However, he had to admit that this morning it hadn’t worked quite as well as usual, and although she hadn’t mentioned it again before they set off for the U – in their own vehicles – he got the distinct feeling that the subject had only been shelved temporarily again, and he wasn’t going to be able to put it off much longer. And that was a troubling thought indeed. 

Dropping his backpack beside his desk, he sank into his battered office chair, the last of the morning’s sense of well-being disappearing abruptly as the realisation hit him that he simply couldn’t procrastinate any further, for the sake of all involved. The responsibility was crushing, but it had to be faced, and now was as good a time as any to do a little self-analysis, unattractive as the prospect was. _Goddess!_ he thought despondently. _Just when did I stop following Naomi’s example and just back off? She’d never let herself be put in this position in the first place, but would have headed out and ‘detached with love’ as soon as the situation threatened to get heavy. But I can’t do that. Not to Ginny. And definitely not to Jim._

And all of a sudden he knew that it was time to reassess his thoughts and feelings towards his sentinel and friend, because for sure it had a direct impact on how he reacted to Ginny. 

Having a few minutes to himself before he left for his lecture – which was a ready-prepared one for his Anthro 101 class anyway – he made himself another cup of coffee from his precious second-hand machine and sat down again, determined not to duck the issue of examining his feelings for his roommate once and for all. 

Despite the growing uneasiness between them, in all honesty Blair knew that he didn’t want to cut his ties with the man who had unexpectedly become his best friend. It wasn’t just because Jim was the subject of his diss, and hadn’t been for a long while now. He had grown to like and admire the big cop for himself, not just as Blair’s Holy Grail, recognising the honourable and protective man beneath the irascible, hard-assed anal exterior, and no one had ever let him into their lives as far as had Jim. The loft had begun to feel like home – the first one Blair had ever really had – and that was as much to do with its owner as the place itself. 

And he had to admit also that he really liked working with Jim. Although he had absolutely no desire to become a cop himself, the excitement of the rollercoaster ride, the detective work, and the feeling that he was actually making a difference was heady stuff. OK, so Jim and Simon were both quick to remind him that ‘he wasn’t a cop’, but he still felt as if his contributions counted. 

And then there was the attraction of the man himself. Now Blair had been brought up to believe that it was the person, not the package which was important, and, thanks to Naomi’s free-wheeling lifestyle, he had never had a problem with the concept of same-sex love. However, his own forays into dating other men hadn’t amounted to much, seeing as he was too concerned about getting in too deep – or getting hurt – by bigger lovers. After all, he loved women too, and they were so much less threatening, so he had pretty much dated women only since even before moving in with Jim. 

When all was said and done, he would be pretty stupid to jeopardise his friendship with Jim by introducing the subject of his bisexuality, believing that not only would it be unacceptable within the closed society of the PD, but would also alienate Jim himself, because Blair was absolutely certain that the ex-covert ops officer-turned-detective was as macho and straight as they came. For sure, the man was built like a Greek god, and Blair knew that for a fact after catching an eyeful of Jim in all his glory while he was showering on that oil rig, but he also believed that the man would kick his butt from here to eternity if Blair was to even contemplate making a move on him. And because of the strength of his convictions, he had ruthlessly quelled any inappropriate responses to Jim’s proximity, such that he had taught himself not to react at all through force of habit. After all, he knew very well that sentinel sensitivity would quickly pick up on any such hints, and he couldn’t risk discovery like that. 

However, now Blair found himself between a rock and a hard place, and was guiltily aware that whatever he did, someone was going to get hurt, and he so didn’t want to be the cause of pain for anyone. But it was hardly surprising that Jim should be growing more and more frustrated with Blair, despite the grad student’s efforts to still be available for him on the job. He knew that he was treating the loft more and more like a crash pad rather than a home, and that wasn’t fair on Jim either. Their easy camaraderie was a thing of the past, and Blair couldn’t blame Jim for his short temper in the light of his own absences and distraction. The man had every right to feel ignored, even though that was the last thing that Blair had intended. 

But then again, there was Ginny, and how much she had come to mean to Blair. If he couldn’t have the man of his desires, then surely she was the next best thing? 

And therein lay another set of problems. Because much as he was enjoying their close relationship, he still wasn’t entirely certain that she was the one and only for him, and that made him feel even guiltier. Surely he’d know by now if it was going to be a ‘forever’ thing? Or was he just so emotionally lacking that he couldn’t recognise true love when he saw it? If he was completely honest with himself, he knew that he had been putting off moving in with her in case it turned out to be a mistake. He had, after all, had a lifetime of experience of moving from one place to another, usually endeavouring to leave before he was pushed because up until now he had always known that he would wear out his welcome sooner or later. His residence at the loft was the most permanent he had ever yet experienced, and he didn’t want to lose either its comfort or that of Jim’s acceptance. 

Glancing at the time, he realised that he was going to have to get a move on if he wasn’t to be late for his lecture, so he deliberately set his mind to concentrate on teaching. But not before he had made one decision at least, and that was to screw up his courage and talk things through properly with Jim. It was past time that he laid out everything he was feeling before his friend – with the exception of his attraction towards Jim, of course - in the hope that between them they could come to some sort of workable understanding. And on that thought, he determined to do so that very evening if possible, rather than put it off any longer, whatever the outcome. 

And how truly frightening was that?  



	3. Shattered dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies in advance for any typos, etc., but I wanted to get this posted as soon as rather than keep you waiting for at least another week! I'll do any necessary edits when I get back, promise! 
> 
> Kate x

**Chapter 3: Shattered dreams:**  


**Later that afternoon, MCU bullpen: **  


A weary and careworn Blair almost sidled into the bullpen that afternoon, having finally managed to catch up with his outstanding marking in between lectures and his last tutorial. He fully intended to ride with Jim in what was left of the afternoon, knowing that his friend had some leads he wanted to follow up; ones which might possibly require using the senses. And although Blair knew that the sentinel was gradually getting more comfortable with using them in the field, there was still the possibility of zoning, and Blair would never forgive himself if it were to happen when he wasn’t there to watch Jim’s back. Added to which, there was also the question of broaching the subject of a proper, heart-to-heart discussion that evening; a prospect that was causing the young guide no little amount of anxiety. 

Having said that, he was determined to go through with his plan, as long as Jim was agreeable; which in itself was no certain bet; and to that end he had made his excuses to Ginny for not being able to make their dinner date that evening. He did feel bad about that, but he had told her quite truthfully that he needed to work on preparing an exam paper, except that it was actually a simple pop quiz, and would barely take him any time at all. 

His thoughts introspective, he was completely oblivious to the fact that he was being observed as he quietly made his way over to Jim’s desk, and was startled when a large hand clapped him on the shoulder. Quickly glancing up, he saw H grinning down at him, his cheerful face wreathed in a knowing smile as his dapper partner Rafe grinned over his shoulder at their disconcerted prey. 

“Hairboy! Long time, no see!” H exclaimed loudly, completely missing the stressed and slightly embarrassed expression that flitted across Blair’s face as he became the unwilling centre of attention. Instead, he continued to tease his young friend, expecting to engage in the sort of banter and repartee they had come to expect from the ebullient and smart-mouthed grad student. “Man, you’re looking pretty frazzled there, kiddo. You been livin’ up to your horn dog rep again, huh?” he chortled. “I’m thinkin’ a good night’s _real_ sleep is what you need to recharge those Energiser Bunny batteries, my man!” 

However, this time Blair’s reaction was completely out of character as he held his hand up in a warding gesture, his eyes haunted and his expression pleading. “Not now, guys! Just give it a rest. Please?” 

H and Rafe exchanged a concerned glance as H’s grin became a puzzled frown. They had both assumed the young man would have gifted them with his usual cocky reply, complete with comic leer and the implication that ‘if you’ve got it, flaunt it!’ but this tired and dispirited figure had thrown them for a loop. 

Tacitly deciding to leave well alone, especially as a somewhat irate-looking Ellison was heading their way from the direction of Simon’s office, they backed off quickly. “Uh, sure thing, Hairboy…” H muttered, flashing Blair a quick, uncomfortable grin. “Later, man!” and he and Rafe beat a hasty retreat towards the relative sanctuary of the break room. 

Blair tensed a little as Jim stepped in front of him, fully expecting some sort of criticism or sneering remark if Jim’s recent behaviour was anything to go by, but instead the older man simply gazed down into his partner’s worried face. “You OK, Chief?” he murmured gently, his tone at odds with the frown on his face, and Blair breathed a mental sigh of relief that for once Jim didn’t seem mad at him. 

“Ah, yeah. Just tired is all. My fault!” Blair snickered self-deprecatingly. “That joke’s just getting old, you know?” 

To which Jim replied with an understanding grimace, “Yeah, you’re right, Chief. So, are you still up for an hour or so out with me, or have you somewhere else to be?” 

Blair smiled softly at the slightly wistful tone of his friend’s query. “No, Jim. I promised I’d be here, and here I am. So, let’s go, huh?” 

However, both men were taken by surprise when Simon emerged from his office, having watched Sandburg’s arrival and his interaction with H and Rafe and Jim also with interest. And it occurred to him that this was as good a time as any to try and help Jim begin to put their tentative plan of action to work. 

“Good to see you here, Sandburg, but you’re looking frayed around the edges. So, how about you and Jim take off early and grab a couple hours’ downtime? Best take advantage of the offer, guys, because it doesn’t happen often, as you well know!” 

Somewhat startled, but not about to look a gift horse in the mouth, so to speak, Jim and Blair exchanged a speaking glance, then both accepted the offer with alacrity. Perhaps this was just the stimulus they needed to get their candid, soul-baring discussion underway.  


**Later, the loft: **  


The two men arrived back at the loft almost at the same time, having driven themselves in their own vehicles. During the brief trip back, Blair had been doing his best to bolster his courage as the moment of reckoning approached, but his own stubborn pride ensured that he had no inclination on this occasion to avoid the issue again. He needed to know where he stood with his friend, and so wanted to reassure Jim of his on-going support in whatever way he could. Serious relationship with Ginny notwithstanding, he so didn’t want to alienate or betray his sentinel and idol. Certainly, he was well past his initial hero-worship stage. Although Jim was everything he had ever hoped to find in a real, modern-day sentinel, he wasn’t perfect by any means. But that only made him more attractive to Blair, who had never considered himself to be any great catch anyway and was only too grateful for one such as Jim to give him the time of day. And working with Jim gave him a sense of purpose he had never before experienced, even more so than in his teaching and studying, and he so didn’t want it to end. 

Pulling into the parking space next to Jim, he took a deep, cleansing breath and got out of the car, pasting a warm smile on his face as he walked over to where Jim was waiting for him at the entrance to 852 Prospect.   


\---------------------------  


As he drove, Jim was having similar thoughts if Blair did but know it. He also needed to prepare himself for the discussion he had planned, not knowing that Blair was already of the same mind. As far as Jim was concerned, this could be make or break time for their partnership, and for once he couldn’t afford to hide behind his habitual ‘Ellison repression’ technique. As he had discussed with Simon earlier, the only way to resolve the situation one way or the other was to lay everything out on the table between the two friends, and see where they could go from there. Although it was usually Blair who always wanted to talk everything to death, as far as he knew, this time it would have to be Jim who got the ball rolling, and insist on taking the conversation to its conclusion. And he was ruefully aware that for a man of few words, that was going to be no easy task in itself. 

He also needed to be quite clear about what he hoped to achieve from a frank and open discussion. Although it hadn’t really occurred to him that he could be attracted to his friend in a sexual way, he wasn’t as closed to the idea as Blair might have thought. He certainly didn’t think of himself as gay, or even bi, but neither had he had the best experiences in his relationships with women to date. And he only had to consider his doomed attempt at matrimony with Carolyn Plummer to hammer that lesson home. 

He also had his stint in Vice to thank for exposing him to other types of alternative lifestyles, and for the most part hadn’t been as shocked or disgusted as he might have expected. After all, he’d have to be blind not to notice that Blair was a very attractive young man, so it was hardly surprising that eventually he would get snatched up by some lucky lady. It was just that Jim honestly didn’t think that this Ginny person was ‘it’, and the thought that Blair might be hurt, hurt him also. 

But the last thing he needed to do was alienate Blair any further by making any such disparaging comments about his lady love, even if it went against the grain. No, what he needed to school himself to do was to support Blair as Blair had always supported him, and try to accept the situation as it was. And perhaps by being unselfish for once he might be able to retain at least some sort of relationship with the man who had become so important to him. 

Knowing that Blair was close behind him, he pulled into his usual parking space, and climbed out of his vehicle to wait for his friend’s arrival. And if his heart was in his mouth, his calm expression and relaxed manner didn’t betray it.   


\--------------------------  


Side by side, the two made their way up to #307, their silence a little awkward even though they exchanged wry grins when they discovered that for once the temperamental elevator was working. On entering the loft, Jim allowed Blair to precede him, watching with interest the emotions flitting across his friend’s mobile features. The younger man glanced around him, almost as if he was seeing the place for the first time, and Jim knew he wasn’t mistaken when a flash of wistful longing lit the wide blue gaze. Blair didn’t want to leave, that much was obvious, but whether he could be persuaded to stay on his own terms was yet to be seen. 

As for Blair, he was struck anew by the homely, welcoming sensation he experienced upon entering, despite the fact that he’d been so frequently absent in recent weeks. And he couldn’t help but compare it to the feelings he had when staying over at Ginny’s place, where even now he still felt like a visitor. It was truly unsettling, and for a moment, stopped him in his metaphorical tracks. Turning around to face Jim, he murmured diffidently, “Uh, Jim…?” 

“Look, Chief…” Jim spoke at exactly the same moment, and they both grinned self-consciously before Jim continued, “After you, Chief. Or should we sit down first? I have a feeling that we might both be on the same page after all.” 

“Oh, man, if you mean do I want to talk things through with you, then yes, we are,” Blair replied, pure relief in his tone and expression. 

“Fair enough, kiddo, so let me grab us both a beer and we can get comfortable, because to my way of thinking, this is long overdue – mostly because of me I freely admit. But I know now that we can’t go on tiptoeing around each other like we have been. I want to come to an understanding with you, Chief, believe it or not. One that will work for both of us, if that’s humanly possible.” 

Blair’s smile brightened at his words, the hope sparking in his big blue eyes. “Sounds great to me, Jim,” he responded eagerly. “I’ve been psyching myself up for this all day, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the fact that you want the same thing. I just hope that I won’t disappoint you,” he added, his face clouding again. 

“I don’t think you will, Chief,” Jim replied, his own expression sobering. “At least, not intentionally. I just have to get over myself enough to listen for once!” he said with a wry grimace. 

“Anyhow, sit yourself down, and I’ll get the beers,” and he detoured into the kitchen to get two bottles from the refrigerator. Returning to the lounge, he passed one to Blair before seating himself comfortably beside him on the sofa, and both men took a moment to gather their thoughts as they enjoyed the cold brews. 

After a couple of minutes, Blair placed his half empty bottle down on the coffee table and hitched around so that he could see Jim’s face. “Uh, is it OK if I start?” he asked a little anxiously. “I so want to explain how I feel, but I admit I’m really worried that it won’t come out right, and I’ll end up angering you instead. But please believe me when I say that I really, really don’t want to do that. Are you willing to just listen without judging me until I’m done?” 

And how could Jim resist the pleading look in those huge blue eyes? He found himself nodding even before considering the potentially painful home truths he was likely to hear. But the wide, sunny smile he received in return was reward enough for now, and so he sat back and prepared to listen to what his friend had to say. 

“The first thing I need to do is apologise to you, man. I’ve been treating the loft like a hotel recently, and it’s so not right. And falling asleep on you on the times I am here is unforgivably rude of me, so you have every right to be angry with me. I never meant to hurt you, Jim, but I just get really tired sometimes trying to keep everyone happy. 

“You see, although Ginny means a lot to me, you’re still the best friend I ever had. And this is the nearest thing to a home I’ve ever had too, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you took me in, and then let me stay! It wasn’t as if you wanted me here after all, and that ‘one week’s long past! And I really don’t want to leave, Jim. Unless you want me to? I’d understand if you did…” and he tailed off uncertainly. 

At that, Jim shook his head vehemently. “No, Chief. I’ve never wanted you to leave, even though I admit I have been feeling somewhat used. Just me being over-sensitive, I guess,” he added with a rueful grin. “I suppose I’ve been feeling a bit left out too, which is pretty silly. I am a big boy after all.” _And one who doesn’t like to share,_ his sneaky inner voice added before he deliberately shut it down. 

“But how are things with Ginny? Are you really happy with her?” 

He fully expected to be regaled with enthusiastic descriptions of the couple’s recent goings-on like in the early days of the relationship, and he knew he wasn’t going to like it any more now than he did then, but promised himself that this time he’d try to be a bit more open-minded and patient however much it hurt. However, he was taken aback when Blair’s expression became troubled, and the young man bit his lower lip in a nervous habit before he began to speak. Frowning in consternation, Jim reached over and squeezed Blair’s knee in a comforting gesture. “You OK, Chief? Is there something wrong? Something I said?” he asked worriedly. 

Blair looked up then and met his quizzical gaze, his own eyes both pleading and apologetic. 

“Oh, man, I’m sorry, Jim. It just suddenly hit me is all. I mean, here I am trying to explain my behaviour to you, and I realise that I’m not telling the whole truth after all. And it’s me that’s being deluded by my refusal to see the whole picture. I…I think I need to tell it like it is, even though I’m hoping that by talking about it, it won’t seem as bad as I think?” 

Now intrigued, Jim nodded his assent. “Go for it, Chief, if it’ll help. I can’t claim to be any sort of counsellor, but at least I can listen.” 

Blair nodded quickly, then stared at his hands which were clasped in his lap. After a moment, he heaved a deep sigh, and began. 

“I do care for Ginny. I do! She’s a great person, Jim, and I wish you could meet her, but I don’t think that’s likely yet. See, she’s into music. I mean, seriously into music, inasmuch as it’s her life, man. I mean, totally. I guess it’s why she’s so good at what she does, Jim. I mean, to hear her play cello is like, the best, you know? And I really enjoy the informal jamming sessions I go to with her and her friends. 

“But see, for me there’s more to life than concerts and recitals, and I think I disappoint her sometimes when I don’t go with her.” 

Jim nodded understandingly then patted the knee beneath his hand again. “It’s not your fault that you have a wider range of interests, Chief. But it’s something she’ll have to learn to accept,” he said gently. 

“Yeah, man. I know,” Blair replied somewhat despondently. “You’re right. I mean, I do love music, and anthropology for sure. But I also like going camping with you, and fishing! I love working with you too, and I really miss just kicking back here, enjoying a beer and a movie or a Jags game on TV. 

“But that’s so selfish of me. I know I can’t have it all, and I’m going to have to decide one way or the other, but I want you to know that you’re still the best friend I could ever have or want, Jim!” and he met Jim’s gaze firmly, his expression one of complete sincerity. 

Jim smiled sadly then, understanding in his eyes. “Thanks, Chief, for telling me all this. I think I needed to hear it as much as you needed to get it off your chest. I can’t say that I’m happy with seeing so little of you now, but I know that I’m being selfish too. And for what it’s worth, you’re still the best friend I have, too.” 

Blair’s answering smile was a little watery as he clasped Jim’s hand in his own. “It’s worth a lot, Jim. You’ll never know how much!” he murmured. 

Jim decided abruptly that they both needed to lighten up for a bit, so he grinned and said, “OK, then, Chief. How ‘bout we make the most of Simon’s generosity and have a night in front of the TV? Just relaxing for once. Might even be able to catch a Jags game?” 

And Blair smiled brightly. “Sounds good to me, Jim! Let’s do it! And perhaps tomorrow everything’ll seem so much clearer!” 

However, as they settled down to enjoy their evening together, just like old times; neither man had any inkling as to how prophetic Blair’s words would turn out to be. And not in any good way.  


\-----------------------  


**Following morning, MCU bullpen: **  


Looking out of his office, Simon watched Jim’s arrival in the bullpen, and noted with no little satisfaction the calm and relaxed expression on the big detective’s face. It would appear that his ploy had worked, and that Jim and Blair had taken the opportunity to talk things through, and by the looks of things, the outcome had been at least reasonably satisfactory. Mentally high-fiving himself, the captain stood and stuck his head out of his office door. 

“Jim? A word!” he called out, chuckling at his friend’s faked eye-rolling irritation. 

When Jim entered the office, Simon indicated that he take a seat. “You look decidedly happier this morning, Jim,” he observed candidly. “Can I take it that you and Sandburg have come to some sort of understanding?” 

Jim grinned, shaking his head in feigned resignation. “Can’t get anything past you, can I, sir?” he snickered. “But in answer to your question, yes, I think we have. I mean, I suspect that I’ll still be playing second fiddle to Ginny’s cello, if you see what I mean, but at least I’m certain of Blair’s on-going commitment to me and the senses. I just hope for Blair’s sake that at the end of the day she’s worth it.” 

“You and me both, Jim,” Simon agreed soberly. “But at least I’m glad to see you in such a good mood for a change. And your colleagues will appreciate it too, my man. 

“So, all that aside, I’ve just had a new case shunted up to me from Homicide, so how about you take a look at it? I think it’ll be right up yours – and Sandburg’s – street,” and he pushed a file across the desk for Jim to take. 

“Sure thing, Captain,” Jim replied cheerfully, and rose to his feet, taking the file with him as he exited the office and returned to his desk. He was expecting Blair to come in later that morning after an early lecture and tutorial, and he had to admit that he was quietly looking forward to seeing the young man again. He had thoroughly enjoyed their evening in together, and fervently hoped that it wouldn’t be too long until they could do it again. Ginny’s goodwill allowing, of course, but he refused to dwell on that. 

Settling down to study the contents of the file, it was some time later when he suddenly sat up straight, a puzzled expression on his face. Blair was entering the building, and even from where he was sitting, Jim could smell the distress souring his young partner’s normally enticing scent, while sentinel hearing picked up the hitching in Sandburg’s breaths as he tried vainly to control his emotions. Jumping to his feet, Jim quickly exited the bullpen in order to catch Blair on his way up, his intention to steer his troubled friend into either the break room or an empty interview room, because for sure something bad had happened. And there was no way Jim would let his guide suffer alone if he could do anything to help. 

As the elevator carrying Blair opened its doors, Jim was there waiting to gather up his friend, gently urging him towards the interview room he had already checked out. Closing the door behind them, he carefully turned the smaller man to face him, frowning at the devastation on the lovely face which Blair could no longer even try to control. 

“What is it, chief? Are you OK? What’s happened?” he murmured urgently, shaken to the core when fat tears began to roll down Blair’s cheeks. Blair never cried…. 

“Sh…she’s dumped me, Jim,” he whispered, voice breaking in despair and pain. “T…t…told me it’s over…” and he buried his face in his hands, unresisting as Jim reacted instinctively and pulled him into a warm and comforting hug. 

And as Jim rocked his hurting friend, his thoughts were anything but charitable towards the bitch who’d done such damage.  



	4. Picking up the Pieces

**Chapter 4: Picking up the Pieces:**  


After a while, Blair had managed to get himself under a measure of control, and eased himself out of Jim’s comforting embrace. His face was flushed with shame and embarrassment at his breakdown in front of his friend, and his eyes were downturned as he swiped at the unwanted moisture with his sleeve. He looked like nothing so much as a little kid, and Jim’s heart went out to him. As far as Jim was concerned, he was surprised at the momentary feeling of loss he experienced when Blair pulled away, and even more surprised at the depth of empathy he felt towards his partner. Reaching out again, he carefully urged Blair to look at him with a gentle palm against the smaller man’s still damp cheek. 

“It’s OK, Chief. I mean, don’t be embarrassed on my behalf. You’re obviously really upset, and I’m not going to rag you about it, I promise. Let’s just sit here for a bit, shall we, until you feel better. And if you want to talk about it, I’ll listen, OK?” 

Blair gazed at him for a moment, still watery-eyed, but incredibly grateful for the support. It was far more than he’d expected, and it warmed him despite his pain. Sure, Jim had been sympathetic after Blair’s break up with Maya; offering him noodles when he was lying on his bed feeling sorry for himself; but this was much more heart-felt. But then again, in comparison to what he had suffered after Maya, this whole situation was far more upsetting, because this time Blair had had the temerity to believe that despite their differences, he and Ginny might have had a real future together. 

Knowing Jim was waiting patiently for a reply, he offered his friend a watery smile. “Thanks, Jim. I mean it. A…and yes, I’d like to stay here for a bit if you don’t mind. I…I don’t want the guys in the bullpen to see me just yet…” and he tailed off, his shame rising to engulf him once again. 

“Fair enough, Chief,” Jim replied with a warm smile, although his eyes conveyed his sympathy and concern. “Look, how about I grab us some of that stuff that passes for break room coffee, and then we can talk – or not, whatever’s best for you?” 

Blair nodded gratefully. “Yeah, thanks, Jim. That’d be good. I appreciate it, man.” 

Jim pushed himself to his feet. “OK, then, Junior. You sit here, and I won’t be long,” and with that he left the room, leaving Blair watching his departing back with somewhat bemused eyes. He was truly grateful for his friend’s understanding, but certainly hadn’t expected it, and he found that it did make him feel a little better. 

But whether he could bring himself to tell Jim exactly what had passed between him and Ginny was another matter.  


\--------------------------  


**Earlier that morning, Rainier campus: **  


Breathing a sigh of relief when the last of his students had finally left the tutorial room, Blair collected up his papers and stuffed them into his backpack, intending to go straight over to the Music Department building and meet up with Ginny in her office. He was looking forward to seeing her, even though he felt a small amount of trepidation, guiltily aware that he had pretty much blown her off the previous evening, and prepared to make his apologies. But he couldn’t deny that he had truly enjoyed his night in with Jim, and told himself that it was only fair that he spent time on occasion with his best friend, sure that Ginny would understand. 

Arriving at Ginny’s office, he tapped on the door, and at her invitation, poked his head around the open doorway to grin brightly at his lover. 

“Hey, Ginny, you want to go for coffee? I’ve got a few minutes before I leave to meet Jim at the PD.” 

He entered the room, and she rose to greet him, moving easily into his arms for a hug and welcoming kiss, but when she pulled away a little to look up at him, she was frowning slightly, her eyes speculative. 

“Is that it? Just a few minutes for coffee before you’re off again to see Jim? Didn’t you see enough of him last night when you were working at home?” 

Stung by her tone, Blair stepped back a little more so he could really look at his lover. “Ah, this is different, Ginny. You know that. My time at the PD is to collect data for my diss, and it’s important. And I can’t let Jim down after he’s been so good to me. It wouldn’t be right.” 

At that, Ginny pulled away from him and flounced over to her desk. Turning to face him again, she leaned her hips against it and crossed her arms, her expression mutinous. 

“You know what, Blair? I’m getting fed up with this. I thought you loved me. Wanted to be with me. But every time I think we’re really getting somewhere, you start going on about ‘Jim this’, and ‘Jim that’! And you _still_ haven’t said when you’re moving in with me! I’m beginning to feel that you don’t intend to!” 

“That’s not fair, Ginny!” Blair responded, now really upset himself, and not least because he realised that she had a point. Even so, he had fondly imagined that a real, loving relationship would be give and take, and had thought that they could work something out between themselves. After all, he was quite happy for Ginny to hang out with her musician friends without him. 

“Look, Ginny,” he tried again, moderating his tone. “It’s not like we don’t have other friends, and I wouldn’t dream of stopping you going out with yours on occasion. I know how important the whole music scene is to you, and we don’t always have to go out together, even if we do most of the time. You can’t say that I don’t go to the concerts and things that you ask me to, particularly when you’re playing.” 

Her expression softened a little at that, and she tilted her head on one side, as if contemplating his words. “OK, Blair. I see what you mean. I know that you can’t be free to come to all my recitals. But if you’d honoured our dinner date last night, I was going to surprise you,” and her smile became sultry as she moved towards him again. 

Relieved at her change of mood, Blair grinned at her, his eyebrow quirked questioningly. “Surprise me, huh? And how were you going to do that?” he asked, his voice and tone growing rich and inviting. 

Expecting her to respond to his deliberately suggestive enquiry in a like manner, he was taken aback when, instead of kissing and rubbing against him eagerly as she usually did, she smiled brightly instead. 

“I’ve been offered a chance to get two tickets for Saturday’s concert at City Hall!” she said happily. “It’s an amazing opportunity to see one of the very best string quartets in the country, if not the world! The Van Danzig String Quartet is playing an evening of chamber music, and there’s a champagne reception and buffet also! 

“Of course, it’s black tie, so we’ll have to hire you a tux, but it’ll be so worth it! I might even manage to get introduced to Eric Van Danzig himself!” 

It was no good. Try as he might and acting ability notwithstanding, Blair wasn’t able to provide her with the sort of response she plainly expected of him. Oh, if forced to, he’d accompany her, but much as he loved music in many forms, string quartets and chamber music didn’t do it for him. And the thought of dressing up in an expensive, hired penguin suit for such an occasion did even less for him. He just couldn’t see himself rubbing shoulders with well-heeled, pretentious concert-goers and egotistical professional musicians and he realised with a pang of guilt that his expression conveyed as much. 

Her eyes narrowing, Ginny’s pretty face darkened with anger and disappointment. And although he could well understand her reaction, and felt bad about causing it, Blair was still shocked at the depths of her fury and disdain. 

“I see!” she hissed. “When it comes down to what really matters to me, you don’t want to know! No matter that this is of real importance to me, you can’t bring yourself to show even a bit of enthusiasm! The last thing I want is to go with you if that’s your attitude! How can I enjoy the evening if I know you’re only there under duress? 

“And how many other times have you done the same in the past? How many of our evenings out have you ‘endured’ just so you can get sexual satisfaction later on? I’m beginning to think that’s all you see in me, Blair Sandburg, and if that’s the case, I think it’s time to call it a day. I need someone who appreciates me _and_ my music, and apparently that isn’t you!” 

For long moments, Blair was actually lost for words; he was so horrified at her unexpected venom. Never in a million years would he have considered her capable of inflicting such verbal wounds, and the realisation that he’d been so completely and utterly mistaken shook him to the core. For sure this was far more than a mere misunderstanding, and the mulish expression on Ginny’s face and in her demeanour was entirely serious. She really meant it, and it hurt. 

Finally finding his voice, Blair held out his hands beseechingly to her. “I’m sorry, Ginny. Truly I am. And I _have_ enjoyed our evenings out. But I would be lying if I said I would enjoy Saturday’s concert. It’s just not me! Surely you can understand that? I mean, I realise that you aren’t interested in anthropology so I don’t expect you to visit museum exhibits or go to guest lectures with me. Can’t we agree to disagree without falling out?” 

However, it was very obvious by Ginny’s expression that she wasn’t going to be appeased. Holding up her hand imperiously, she said, “No, Blair, we can’t! I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, but didn’t want to believe my own conclusions. I thought that my invitation this weekend would confirm my suspicions one way or the other. And I did want to be proven wrong! But your persistent preoccupation with Detective Ellison and the PD and your attitude towards serious music convinces me that I want – no, _need_ \- a partner who can satisfy me in every respect. Sex with you has been great, I admit that, and we have had a lot of fun. But you have too many other things in your life, and I need more than that from a serious boyfriend. 

“So, I’m going to invite someone else to Saturday’s concert. Someone from my department who I know will appreciate it, and who has been asking me to go out with him for a while now. You don’t need to know who it is. 

“Goodbye, Blair. I dare say I’ll see you around campus, but don’t come to my place again. I’ll make sure that you get back anything you’ve left there. Have a nice life!” 

At that she strode across her small office and pulled open the door, plainly expecting him to leave. And Blair was too stunned but to do anything but obey her tacit command. It was over. Done. Again he had been found wanting, and the painful realisation struck him to his very core. He didn’t even utter a word as he left her, too traumatised to think clearly. 

And it wasn’t until he found himself seated in his car in the parking lot that he realised his face was awash with silent tears.  


\---------------------------  


Blair’s unhappy musing was disturbed by Jim’s return as the big cop entered the interview room clutching two steaming mugs of coffee. 

“Here you go, Chief. It’s a fresh pot, so hopefully it’ll be drinkable. Pity you can’t dial down your sense of taste like I can!” he added, with a gentle attempt at self-deprecating humour. 

Blair sent him a small, sad grin, his eyes conveying his appreciation even if he couldn’t really reciprocate yet. 

“Thanks, Jim,” he murmured, taking the offered mug. “Um…do you think we can talk about this later? I mean, I’d really appreciate the opportunity to explain, as long as you’re happy to listen, but right now it’s too raw. Too immediate. I guess it hasn’t really sunk in, even though I know it’s a done deal. Is that OK?” and he met Jim’s concerned gaze, his eyes pleading for understanding. 

Jim immediately nodded his assent. “No problem, Chief. I said I’d listen, and I meant it, but if you want to wait until tonight, that’s fine with me. Now, at risk of sounding insensitive, which I promise is not intentional, Simon’s given us a new case to look at, which I was checking out before you arrived. Once you’ve had a bit more time to settle yourself, do you think you’re up to looking through the file with me? Perhaps it might take your mind off your problems for a bit, and I’d appreciate the help.” 

Blair knew Jim meant well, and was grateful for the distraction. And the fact that his friend was actually requesting his input went a small way towards restoring a modicum of his always-meagre self-esteem. “Sure, man. Just give me a few, and I’ll be with you, OK?” 

Struck anew by his young friend’s courage and resilience even after such a devastating personal setback as this, Jim smiled encouragingly in response. “Whenever you’re ready, Chief,” he said. “Whenever you’re ready.”   



	5. Mutual Discoveries - or 'Catching the Clue Bus'

**That evening, the loft: **  


Two tired and dispirited men entered the loft much later that night, having spent the afternoon on what had turned out to be a fruitless waste of time. For sure, being able to concentrate on their new case had given Blair a little respite from his personal misery, but at the end of a very long day, both men had been disappointed at their wasted effort. 

The case Simon had passed to them involved what had appeared to be a motiveless homicide, unless the victim – a well-respected young female personal fitness trainer - had unwittingly attracted the wrong sort of attention. Either that, or she had surprised a burglar in her apartment, but that seemed very unlikely as forensic – and sentinel – investigation turned up no evidence of breaking and entering. The pristine interior showed no signs of being searched or even touched, and the only damage was in the immediate area of the killing, which had taken place in the hallway just inside the front door, where blood had liberally spattered the walls and then pooled around the victim’s head. The only reason why the case had been shunted up to MCU was that the victim, Maryanne Chambers, was a cousin of the Mayor’s, and His Honour had demanded that the PD’s best detective work the case. 

On the face of it, the victim had probably known or at least recognised her assailant as unthreatening, and opened the door to him or her, only to be bludgeoned to death by a single, extremely vicious blow to the back of her skull when she turned away from him or her. There was no sign of a struggle, any interference with the body and no sexual posing or penetration. She lay where she had fallen, her clothing was untouched, and there were no fingerprints or fibres to be found. According to everyone questioned, she had no steady boy – or girl - friend with an axe to grind or reason for jealousy and all her friends and colleagues at the gym where she had worked for seven years insisted that she was the nicest person you could meet. Not promiscuous, totally dedicated to her job, and to maintaining her own health and physical fitness. As Blair had murmured despondently, she was almost too good to be true, and certainly didn’t deserve to die like that. 

A search around the immediate vicinity of her apartment block had soon turned up the murder weapon, which was a heavy claw hammer tossed into a nearby dumpster, but again there were no fingerprints, just blood stains whose DNA matched the victim’s. CCTV footage was equally useless as the building’s concierge had confessed shamefacedly to omitting to replace the tapes two days before the incident. 

Having gone through the file together, Jim and Blair had decided that their best course of action – after going over the crime scene again with no result – would be to retrace the victim’s known steps prior to her murder, and then question friends and neighbours again hoping that sentinel senses might discern physical signs of stress or guilt. As Blair had remarked with a wry grin, there was still nothing more efficient at the PD than Jim in his role as an organic lie-detector. 

With the failure of their search of the victim’s apartment to turn up any other useful evidence, Jim and Blair had painstakingly re-interviewed as many of Maryanne’s work colleagues as they could, as well as her neighbours, only to come to the conclusion that the young woman was indeed as wholesome and pleasant as everyone claimed. It was only when they returned to the PD, tired and more than a little frustrated, that Simon called them in to his office. 

Apparently information had just come in about a suicide in a neighbouring precinct, and the comprehensive note that the victim had left in effect solved the mystery for them. 

The suicide victim, one Jonas Blanchard, was a senior wrestling team member at Rainier, and he had been training at Maryanne’s gym for a while. Several of his team mates had engaged her as their personal trainer; waxing lyrical about her efficiency as a trainer, and her physical and character attributes; and he had fixated on her. Determined to engage her himself, convinced that they would inevitably develop a deeper relationship, he had been infuriated when her employers had informed him that her schedule was already full, and that he would have to be assigned to one of her colleagues. 

Interpreting this response as a personal snub, the obsessed student had determined that, if he couldn’t have her, then no one else could. He had therefore followed her home to either convince her that she should accept him, or, if not, then to make sure that she pay the price for rejecting his amorous advances. 

All in all, it was a sad and sorry tale, proving yet again that even the most undeserving of people could unwittingly fall foul of disturbed individuals, and both Jim and Blair felt the injustice of it and the unnecessary loss of two young lives keenly.  


\---------------------------  


Dropping his keys in the basket by the door, Jim watched his young partner shuffle over towards the sofa, his shoulders slumped in defeat. It had been one hell of a day for the kid, and Jim wasn’t feeling so good about it himself even without the personal upset, so he could barely conceive of just how down his normally upbeat roommate must be. But he was determined to do what he could to comfort his friend, hoping that Blair would accept his efforts in the spirit they were offered. 

“Hey, Chief, you want a beer?” he asked, heading for the refrigerator. “I know I could do with one,” he added wryly. 

Blair glanced over at him and offered a wan smile, although it didn’t reach his eyes, which remained haunted and mournful. “Thanks, Jim. Sounds good, man. Although I guess we both need something to eat, huh? D’you want me to prepare a quick stir-fry?” 

In all honesty, he had no appetite himself, but knew that the bigger man would probably welcome something inside him. 

However, even though he was correct in that respect, Jim had no intention of asking his exhausted friend to cook, so he shook his head. “Nah, Chief, you don’t have to do that. We’ll order in. Pizza OK, or would you prefer Chinese?” He suspected that Blair would be more inclined to eat at least a little if it were Chinese, and wasn’t surprised when his young roommate smiled again, this time a little more genuinely. 

“Thanks, Jim. I wouldn’t mind some Chinese, although I’m not that hungry. But then again, I probably will be once it arrives!” 

“Chinese it is, then,” Jim agreed, reaching for the takeout menu in the kitchen drawer. “You want to choose, or shall I just get a selection?” 

“A selection will be fine, man. I trust your judgement,” Blair replied, although there was just the merest suggestion of a mischievous twinkle in his eyes when he added, “Although perhaps not where Wonderburger is concerned!” 

Jim laughed at that, glad to see that his friend apparently wasn’t totally despondent even though for sure he was more depressed than Jim had ever seen him. But just maybe a hot shower and a decent meal might cheer him enough to encourage him to talk about his break-up with Ginny, since Jim was certain that getting it off his chest would help him heal. 

And he was ruefully aware of just how hypocritical that notion was, coming from Jim Ellison, King of Repression. 

However, this was Blair they were talking about, not him, so he would do his best to be the good friend and listener Blair deserved for once.  


\------------------------  


A short while later, Blair pushed away his plate and sat back, having managed to eat more than he had expected to be able to, and even enough to satisfy his over-protective partner. “Thanks for that, Jim,” he murmured, smiling over at his friend. “I guess I was hungrier than I thought. And I admit that a hot shower helped too. I felt really grungy after all that interviewing this afternoon, especially as it turned out to be worthless after all.” His face fell then, and he glanced away, eyes clouded in reminiscent pain. As Jim watched, growing concern causing him to frown worriedly, the younger man looked up again, appearing to visibly shake himself out of his brief funk. 

“Sorry, man. Didn’t mean to get all morbid and self-pitying on you. It was just as bad for you, I know, and that poor girl’s death certainly puts my pitiful problems into perspective. I just wonder why you had to take the case on, though. I mean, surely it was a fairly straight forward homicide investigation? Not exactly something Major Crimes should be concerned with. Why waste your time when you have other cases on the go? Bit of an insult to the guys in Homicide too.” 

Jim grimaced at that, realising that he hadn’t told Blair about the circumstances surrounding their involvement. Lips thinning in irritation, and voice dripping with cynicism, he replied, “Sorry, Chief, I didn’t think to tell you, but it was thanks to His Honour the Mayor that we were gifted with this case. You’re right. Sad though it is, it’s hardly a major crime, but Maryanne Chambers was the Mayor’s cousin, so he insisted that we take it on. Simon had no choice really, and I suppose in a way it’s a compliment to the success of our partnership, even if it’s also an imposition. But I can’t bring myself to feel anything but aggravated on our behalf, and sad for the victim at the same time.” 

Blair nodded his agreement. “You’re right, man,” he murmured sombrely. “It _is _a compliment to your ability, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t proud of your achievements, man. I just worry that you might end up taking on more than your share just because TPTB expect it of you.” 

Jim studied him intently then, his gaze shrewd. “You do realise I wouldn’t be able to do it without you, don’t you, Chief? If I have an edge, it’s only because you help me control and use it. I know I’ve never said so often enough, but I have you to thank for my success and my sanity.” 

Blair’s face betrayed his emotions as the expressions chased across his mobile features. Surprise, gratitude and affection were all there to be seen as he smiled shyly in response. 

“Oh, man, that’s good of you to say,” he murmured. “That means a lot to me, man. I can’t tell you how much!” 

“It’s no more than you deserve, Chief,” Jim replied, a little uncomfortable now in the face of Blair’s emotions. “But look,” he continued, wanting to change the subject to something he considered to be more important right then. “Is this the right time to tell me about what happened this morning, or is it still too soon? I’m only thinking that you might sleep better once you’ve got it out in the open. That’s what you’re always telling me, anyway, and I like to think I’ve learned from the best!” he added with a wry grin. 

Blair gazed at him silently for a moment, plainly trying to decide whether he should take up Jim’s offer or not. And Jim could hardly blame him for his reticence, since he had never before voluntarily encouraged his friend to confide in him. 

“It’s OK, Blair, really,” he said gently, his expression rueful. “I know I’ve hardly provided you with a sympathetic ear before, but this time it’s genuine, I promise. Whatever you want to tell me, I’ll listen, Chief, even if I don’t like what I’m hearing. Just get it off your chest if you want to, OK?” 

So Blair took something of a leap of faith and took him up on his offer. And he held nothing back.  


\-----------------------  


By the time Blair had finished his recitation, his voice breaking on occasion and frequently – if irritably – brushing unwanted moisture from his eyes, Jim was ready to commit his own homicide. He had managed, by willpower alone, not to interrupt even though his inner self demanded that he do so, knowing that Blair needed to get through this without Jim’s furious and uncensored input. It didn’t mean to say that he couldn’t conduct an internal argument, however, which basically entailed his common sense doing battle with the protective primal sentinel within who demanded retribution by tearing the ungrateful bitch limb from limb for the pain she had caused his guide. He supposed that he could take some grim pride in the fact that he hadn’t yet erupted, but at a great cost to his acknowledged short temper and impatience. 

“Shit, Blair, I’m so sorry,” he finally said, reaching out to squeeze his partner’s knee in a supportive gesture. And as Blair gifted him with a watery smile of such gratitude and affection, he had to forcibly restrain himself from reaching out and taking the other man into his arms. Sentinel recall reminded him of how perfect Blair had felt in his embrace in the interview room, but his own wary sense of self-preservation insisted that it may well have been a one-off, and that he shouldn’t read any more into it than a comforting gesture offered and accepted at the time. That wasn’t to say that he was in complete denial over what had occurred then, but he knew to his cost how much pain could be caused by misreading a situation, and neither he nor Blair deserved that. Then again, Blair’s reaction wasn’t what he had expected either, so he didn’t back off even if an inner voice warned him not to get too hopeful. 

As for Blair, he couldn’t have been more grateful for Jim’s patience and support, and had to stomp down on his own impulse to reach out physically to his best friend. But he knew that, whatever he felt for Jim at this moment, he couldn’t act on it, because that most definitely wouldn’t be fair on the sentinel. If he was reading the messages correctly, then perhaps there was a possibility that they might not only fix their recent problems, but perhaps grow even closer if they both wanted it, but right at this moment his conscience warned him that his instinctive reaction might be on account of his being on the rebound from Ginny, and there was absolutely no way Jim deserved to even think that he was some sort of consolation prize. 

No, if Blair was to finally win the man of his dreams, it couldn’t be now. He told himself firmly that he would make the most of Jim’s support and sympathy, and would make certain that his friend knew how thoroughly appreciated he was. 

But he wouldn’t lead Jim on until he was completely sure that they were both on the same page. Jim deserved no less of him, and if at the end of the day it wasn’t what the older man wanted, then Blair would just have to suck it up and try and live with a disappointment that threatened to be far more damaging than the one he had just endured.   



	6. Joint Decisions

**Chapter 6: Joint Decisions: **  


Over the next few days the two friends gradually rediscovered their previous comfortable domestic routine, Jim’s on-going care and consideration giving Blair little time to brood. Cascade’s criminal element also seemed to be conspiring to keep the partners busy at the PD, and both of them were grateful to find that their virtually symbiotic relationship in the field was working as well as ever. With the closure of the Maryanne Chambers case, Jim had resumed his own case load, and with Blair’s help soon succeeded in tracking down and arresting a potentially dangerous but relatively newly-arrived gang boss who had been hoping to muscle in on Cascade’s existing body of drug pedlars and distributors. When they had returned to the bullpen, having taken the furious man into custody following a hair-raising car chase around the warehouse district, both men were enthusiastically applauded by their colleagues, such that Blair blushed to his hairline in modest pride and gratitude. Even Jim couldn’t suppress a grin of pleasure and satisfaction, especially in the face of his young partner’s self-effacing delight. If anything could convince Blair of his importance to both Jim and the MCU gang as a whole, this was it. Even Simon came out of his office to congratulate them, clapping Blair heartily on the shoulder as he grinned ferociously in almost avuncular pride. 

“Good work, Ellison, Sandburg. That was as near to preventative policing as we can get, you taking down that scumbag before he could get established. Well done, both of you!” 

Blair had stammered his thanks even as Jim had grinned approvingly at his boss and friend, the speaking look they exchanged telling Simon that he had done the right thing in encouraging Blair to accept his place in the team. 

At Rainier, Blair was as busy as ever, and after a few days, surprised himself by realising that he no longer hankered after heading to the Music Department at every opportunity. He had plenty to keep him occupied in his own department, and his real friends were tactful enough not to press him over his broken relationship with Ginny. True, he missed the amicable and satisfying jamming sessions he had enjoyed, but he knew it wouldn’t be right or comfortable to keep going to them even though the invitation was still open, because he didn’t want to make Ginny – or himself, for that matter – feel unnecessarily uncomfortable in each other’s presence. 

Likewise, at home in the loft, things couldn’t get much better as far as both men were concerned, unless it was in the declaration of their growing attraction, even love for one another. The friendly pats and touches to Blair’s person that Jim had indulged in before the appearance of Ginny resumed, to both men’s great satisfaction; Blair welcoming the tactile comfort and evidence of Jim’s care for him and happy to let Jim know it. And he reciprocated by doing as much as he could to create a safe and healthy environment for his sentinel, to an even greater extent than before, which was also much appreciated by his roommate. As far as Jim was concerned, it was as if Blair’s intervening failed romance had never happened, if it weren’t for the occasional faraway look in his friend’s eyes when he thought that Jim wasn’t watching. However, those moments were getting fewer and farther between as time went on; his young guide’s natural optimism and resilience bubbling to the surface more and more often, especially in Jim’s presence. 

And Jim couldn’t help but notice that his roommate was covertly watching him too, the occasional whiff of pheromones evidence that Blair wasn’t at all indifferent to him, and Jim’s inner sentinel crowed in delight and relief that he hadn’t been mistaken after all. Now Jim just had to convince himself that he could trust his own judgement and open himself to his guide and hopefully soon-to-be-partner in all ways, having learned the hard way that thus far all his attempts at lasting relationships had failed miserably. 

However, despite his misgivings, he was convinced that when the time was right both he and Blair would make the right decision for them as friends and partners at whatever level they were mutually comfortable, and he schooled himself to be patient a little longer until he was sure Blair was on the same page. 

And little did he know that that momentous declaration was to come sooner rather than later.  


\-----------------------------  


**Following week, Blair’s office, Rainier U: **  


Blair sat at his desk, gazing fixedly at the stack of neatly typed and printed pages in front of him, his face a study in bemusement, exhilaration and some little trepidation also. It was done. His diss was finished, and he was pretty certain it was the best thing he had ever written. He was also fairly sure that Jim would approve of it, having promised the sentinel that he could read it before Blair submitted, but there was always a niggling doubt that he might not, even though his anonymity was assured. 

And Blair had other worries on that score, and much of his nervousness was on account of how he was going to break the news to his best friend, especially in terms of his decisions for his future once the doctorate was his. He hoped that he hadn’t completely misunderstood Jim’s signals, because if he had, he was about to undergo the biggest disappointment in his young life thus far. 

As the days since his break-up with Ginny had become weeks, Jim’s attitude towards him hadn’t changed. He was still solicitous and supportive, and they were working better together than ever before. Oh, certainly there were a few spats and disagreements, but nothing to undermine the growing affection between them, and Blair had grown more than appreciative of the lingering touches and pats the big sentinel bestowed on him. They habitually sat pressed closely together on the sofa when watching TV, and Blair felt sure that the day would soon arrive when they would begin to actually make out, and he was truly looking forward to that day. He was certain now that he was really over Ginny, and just needed to convince Jim that he was ‘The One’ for Blair, and if truth be told, always had been. 

But there was always that doubt that he had got things wrong yet again, just as he had so often in the past, and his self-confidence wasn’t strong enough to convince him otherwise. Yet he had to try. It was up to him now to set the ball rolling and explain where he hoped – prayed – that their future lay, and he was determined to do that tonight. 

And goddess, was he scared or what?  


\---------------------------  


**Later that evening, the loft: **  


Jim dropped his keys in the basket by the door, and sniffed appreciatively at the delicious aromas wafting from the kitchen. He looked over to see Blair, delightfully red-faced with exertion but grinning happily as he put the finishing touches to the home-made lasagne he was preparing for dinner. 

“Hey, Chief, what’s the occasion? Lasagne’s one of your signature dishes for sure, and I could smell it from outside the building! Got to say my mouth’s watering already, so please don’t say you’re preparing it for some university ‘do’!” 

Blair chuckled fondly at the assumed, pitiful expression on his friend’s face. “Nah, Jim it’s for us, don’t worry. And it’s because I think you deserve a treat for being there for me all the time. The table’s set, and I’m just about to pop this into the oven, so you’ve got a good twenty minutes or so to shower and change into something more comfortable if you like. The salad’s done, the wine’s breathing, and I’m doing the garlic bread now.” 

Jim needed no further encouragement, and grinning widely, trotted upstairs to grab some comfortable sweats before heading for the bathroom for his shower. He still wasn’t sure what the occasion was, but he wasn’t complaining. A relaxing evening in enjoying Blair’s great cuisine and his company was just what he needed after a long, tedious day at the PD without his partner at his side.  


\------------------------ 

Some while later, the two friends sat side by side on the sofa, sipping a final glass of wine and patting over-full tummies. The dinner had been as good and enjoyable as Blair hoped, and if Jim noticed that his young roommate was even more hyper than usual, he didn’t remark on it. With left-overs put away and the clean-up done, it was time to relax. Or so Jim thought. 

After a few minutes’ just sitting quietly, Jim gradually became aware of Blair’s increasing nervousness, and he frowned at the elevated heart rate and tang of anxiety souring the young man’s normally enticing scent. Internal alarm bells ringing, he shifted in his seat and turned to face Blair, who met his gaze unflinchingly, but with visible trepidation. 

“OK, Chief, out with it!” he said, his tone low but commanding. “You said this wasn’t for a particular occasion, but all of a sudden I think you’re obfuscating again, aren’t you?” 

Blair swallowed hard, but didn’t back down even though his heart rate crept even higher. “No, Jim. Well, not really,” the young man answered quickly. “I mean, yes, it really was in appreciation of everything you’ve done to support me over the past weeks. I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am, truly, and I wanted to give you a treat. 

“But you’re right in that there is something else I need to tell you. Something that could affect both of us, and I’m really hoping that you’ll listen with an open mind, man. Please?” 

By now Jim was really worried, and although he knew he needed to hear what Blair had to say, he instinctively realised that he didn’t want to. In truth, he was scared, and when Blair continued, his first thought was that he had been right to be so concerned. 

“Um, I need to tell you, man, that it’s done. I finished the diss, Jim. It just needs some final proofing and it’s ready to submit….” 

However, his words were mostly lost on the sentinel, who had withdrawn in deep dismay having instantly latched on to the claim that the diss was done, and was now in a virtual zone of shock and distress. This was Jim’s greatest fear come to pass, but one he had deliberately tried to avoid for months now. The elephant in the room was facing him front and centre, and there was no escape. Blair’s diss was done, so why would he stay? It was sure to be brilliant. There was absolutely no way he wouldn’t get awarded his doctorate, and then the world was his oyster. He’d be off on expeditions, making even more of a name for himself, and then where would Jim be? 

Oh, he was sure that Blair would keep his promise to be there for him if needed, but it would surely be at the end of a telephone or email; impersonal advice for the friend he had left behind. 

It was too much, after all his tentative dreams. He had been right after all to be wary. Why would a bright and rising young star like Sandburg attach himself to an aging, anal cop? 

Gradually he became aware of an insistent noise trying to break through his self-imposed funk. A gentle voice was encouraging him to come back, and he realised that his hands were being held and gently caressed by other warm ones. Sighing deeply, he finally opened his eyes to meet the worried blue ones gazing intently at him, and saw that Blair was kneeling on the floor before him, between his parted thighs, his face close enough that Jim could feel the young man’s warm breath on his skin. 

“It’s OK, Chief, I’m back,” he muttered sadly. “Sorry about the over-reaction. I didn’t mean to scare you,” he added tiredly. 

Blair was having none of it, though, his anxiety-stoked anger making his eyes flash in fury and frustration now. “Don’t you dare shut down on me like that again, man!” he growled. “You scared the crap out of me! You were completely out of it for several minutes!” Then his anger evaporated as quickly as it had arisen. 

“Oh, man, I wish you’d done as I asked and let me finish. It’s not like you think, Jim, I swear. I guess it came out wrong to begin with, but there’s much more I need to say, Jim. Please, please don’t shut me out until I’m done!” 

The heart-felt plea and the beseeching gaze, plus the warm hands still holding his own finally persuaded Jim to nod in agreement, just a tinge of hope colouring his fear and embarrassment. 

“OK, Chief, I’m listening,” he said ruefully, “and I promise not to wig out on you again. Come and get comfortable again.” 

Blair did as he was bid, and got up off the floor to sit beside Jim again, but didn’t let go of Jim’s hand, which he clutched tightly in both of his. 

“If you’re sure, man? I really don’t want you to think badly of me. Not yet, anyhow!” he added with a small, rueful smile. 

When Jim reciprocated with a similar smile, he continued, albeit even more anxiously now. 

“I know I promised to let you read the finished diss first, and I stand by that, Jim. I think –hope – you’ll like what I’ve written, or at least, if you don’t, you won’t find anything in it to stop me submitting? 

“Thing is, I’ve been giving what happens next a lot of thought and I’m really praying here that I’m not completely mistaken in what I’ve been reading over the last few weeks. 

“Yes, I do really want that doctorate. I’ve worked hard for it, and I think I deserve it. But my expectations of what could follow have changed, and I need to tell you just how much. Yes, I also admit that I’ve loved teaching and research at the U, and I guess I’m always going to be a student at heart, but man, the years I’ve spent with you! Working with you, even if I’m not a cop! I told you not long ago that I had enough data for several dissertations, but didn’t want to get off the MCU rollercoaster. Well, it’s still true, and what I really want is to stay with you. Work alongside you, and, if you’ll have me…” he tailed off abruptly, suddenly terrified and lowering his eyes so as not to see the disgust and disbelief he expected to see in Jim’s patrician features. 

But Jim was feeling no such negative emotions. Despair had given away gladly to hope, and all he needed now was for Blair to confirm his sincerest desires. Reaching out with his free hand, he gently cupped Blair’s cheek and encouraged him to raise his gaze to meet his own. 

“Chief, there’s nothing more I could wish for. I’m sure the diss is just fine. Hell, if it’s anything like the stuff you’ve already had published, it’ll be a shoo-in for that PhD, and I’ll be honoured to read it. And I can’t tell you how much I want you to stay here with me, even if I can’t understand why you should want to. But it’s true, Chief. Blair. I would be honoured if you’d stay with me. It’s everything I’d hoped for and more. 

“But only if you’re really sure?” 

Blair’s eyes had lit up again at that, although they were suspiciously shiny with happy emotion. “Oh, man, yes! Yes, I’m sure! And I have thought about how we can do this, Jim, as long as it works for you, the department and for Simon. 

“You see, although Eli – Dr Stoddard – approached me with the offer of taking up an official, permanent position on Faculty once I’ve gotten my degree, I don’t think I want to do that anymore. Sure, I’d be happy to do some free-lance teaching as and when required. But working with you has been far more than just that rollercoaster ride, man. I felt as if I was making a difference, even though I wasn’t a cop. And if I’m to be honest, I still don’t want to be, Jim. It’s not me, having to carry, going to the academy and through all that training and adhering to those rules and regulations. But what if I applied to the PD for a post as an official civilian consultant? It’s a growing trend in other PDs, so maybe Cascade’s will be open to the suggestion. Do you think they’ll go for it? It would mean that I’d have to be available to other departments as and when, but I’d still be there for you. 

“What do you think? Do you even _want_ to have me there officially?” 

Jim’s face gave him all the approbation he needed. The older man’s cornflower blue eyes were warm and gentle as he smiled softly, the gratitude and love there for Blair to see. 

“Baby, it’s everything I could ever have wanted,” Jim breathed. “And if it’s what you want also, I’m so there. I’m so proud of you, kiddo, and so glad you want to stay with this old reprobate. And if we’re truly on the same page, I’d like to kiss you. Can I?” 

And there was no way Blair was turning down an invitation like that. His smile now outshining the sun, he leaned forward, eyes focussed on Jim’s mouth, and as the sentinel moved to meet him, their lips met in the most perfect kiss either had ever experienced, chaste though it was. The promise of eternity and true love was there, and both Jim and Blair accepted it with all their hearts. 

Sentinel and Guide were as one in their thoughts and desires, and very soon, would be in body and spirit also.  



	7. A Future Worth Waiting For

**Two months later: **  


Jim smiled to himself as he drove towards Rainier campus, happily anticipating meeting up with his partner very shortly. It was the last day of term before the long summer break beckoned, and it was also Blair’s last day in his role as Teaching Assistant. Now officially Dr Sandburg and the university’s most recently graduated PhD in Anthropology, his ex-fellow TAs and students were treating him to a send-off party in one of the local pubs, so Jim had willingly offered to pick him up so that he could enjoy himself with a few drinks. 

As he drove, Jim couldn’t help but ponder on their progress thus far, and his smile grew more softly reminiscent as he retraced their steps up until this point. 

After Blair’s revelation that he had completed his diss, and the ensuing pivotal discussion which had fundamentally changed their relationship, they had retired to Jim’s bed, although by mutual agreement both men were happy just to hold each other and cuddle throughout the night. Neither was in a rush to have sex now that their decision had been made and they had committed to one another, preferring to take it easy and explore each other’s preferences and desires, which had turned out to be a thoroughly satisfying exercise over several nights of growing pleasure. They had gradually progressed from touching and kissing deeply to mutually satisfying hand jobs, and when he felt ready, Blair had shyly asked Jim to take him. And looking back, Jim considered that that momentous occasion had very possibly been the most exhilarating experience of his life. 

They had spent that evening discussing their hopes for the future; especially as Blair had now submitted his paper, and was due to defend it within the next couple of days. Unsurprisingly, he was more than a little nervous, even though Jim had every confidence in him, and told him so in no uncertain terms. And Jim felt a surge of affection as he recalled how his young partner had turned to him then and somewhat diffidently asked Jim to take him to bed. 

“Please, Jim, can we go to bed now? I think – no, I _know_ \- what I want, as long as it’s what you want too. I need to feel you inside me, claiming me like the sentinel and guide pairs of old. You’ve been so good to me, and I want to belong to you, just as I hope that you’ll belong to me. 

“Is that what you want also?” 

His expression had charmed and touched Jim to the very core; such shy adoration and pleading, but in no way weak or pathetic. Rather it was proof of Blair’s courage in that he trusted Jim to understand exactly what he was asking for and expecting of his sentinel and lover in return, and Jim was honoured to accept. It was more than he had ever expected to achieve in his life – indeed, had assumed that he was fated to live a life alone and unfulfilled – and then this beautiful man; his beloved Blair; had bestowed on him the gift of lasting love and friendship. He still didn’t know what he had done to deserve such a gift, but he treasured it, and would do so for the rest of his life. 

And so he had done as Blair asked, and that night he had mapped his lover’s willing and beautiful body with sentinel focus and precision; imprinting everything about his guide in such a way that Blair had been almost beside himself with desire by the time Jim was done. And when Jim finally took him for the first time, initial pain quickly gave way to the most intense pleasure either of them had ever experienced before, and they had climaxed in a burst of love and light, their partnership sealed for as long as they both lived, and probably even beyond. 

Sentinel recall being what it was, Jim not unexpectedly felt a warm stirring in his groin, his grin stretching as he anticipated being able to repeat the performance again tonight. Blair was indeed the best lover he had ever had, and even though Jim still didn’t really think of himself as gay – because after all, no other man had ever had this effect on him – Blair was, well, _Blair_, and that was all he needed to know. His guide, friend, lover and life-partner, Blair was beautiful inside and out in a purely masculine way. In no way was he effeminate, despite the long curls and earrings, and Jim felt no qualms at all about making love to him. They weren’t officially ‘out’ yet, believing that their private lives were no one’s business but their own, but neither were they ashamed to admit it if asked directly. He suspected that there were more than a few of their friends and colleagues who surmised as much anyway, and he was pretty sure that Simon knew about them. 

And that thought set Jim off in another direction as he considered how their plans had panned out, even better than they had hoped when first proposed to their boss and friend. 

The day following their commitment to each other, Blair had come into the bullpen with Jim, and they had asked to see Simon as soon as the captain was free. Although Simon had plenty to keep him busy, he made time to see his friend and lead detective, his instinct telling him that this was likely to be important, not only to Jim and Blair, but to the unit also. And he had not been disappointed. Somewhat diffidently at first, then slowly gathering courage and momentum with Jim’s overt support, Blair had outlined his request to apply for a post as a civilian consultant once he had achieved his PhD. He described eloquently not only how such an appointment could benefit the PD as a whole, but more particularly how it would benefit Jim, and by extension, the rest of Major Crimes. 

However, as it happened, Simon had needed little persuasion, having already acknowledged and accepted the importance of Blair as Jim’s partner and guide. He had been truly concerned for Jim’s mental and physical health when he thought that Blair seemed to be on the point of leaving his sentinel, and learning now that that was the very last thing on the young man’s mind was a relief indeed. True, he suspected that Blair would still manage to irritate him on occasion, but he knew that it was something he wasn’t unduly unhappy about. The kid had definitely grown on him, and he would have felt his loss keenly. And he didn’t deny that he was glad to be able to retain the services of the best working partnership in the PD, and perhaps even the state. 

Thus it was that Simon had promised to take their proposal to the Chief of Police and the Commissioner, using his undeniable powers of persuasion to convince them that Cascade PD really needed a civilian consultant of Dr Sandburg’s capability. 

The upshot was that the proposal was accepted with alacrity, especially as both men appreciated the successful efforts of their best detecting team and were only too glad to ensure its continuing survival. On receiving the news of Blair’s successful defence, the newly-minted Dr Sandburg received the offer of an appointment to Cascade PD as an official consultant in anthropology. He would also be expected to make use of his psych minor and indubitable teaching expertise to train cadets and any others that were deemed to need it in subjects such as the tactful and sympathetic handling of victims of assault, especially those from ethnic minorities or marginalised or frequently persecuted groups such as the LGBT community. It was a requirement Blair had grasped with both hands, excitedly explaining to Jim that it was something dear to his heart, and Jim thoroughly agreed. If anyone could make a success of such classes, it was his wise and empathic lover. 

So, with the arrival of the end of term, Blair could now look forward to a few weeks’ preparation time to ready himself for his new role, which would commence at the beginning of August. But before then, Jim had arranged to take two weeks off as leave, and both men were eagerly looking forward to a trip to the Napa Valley, where they intended to enjoy some real relaxation together as well as a leisurely tour around wine country. 

Just then, Jim arrived on campus and pulled into a conveniently vacant space in the parking lot nearest to the pub where Blair and his friends were celebrating. As he turned off the ignition, he automatically stretched out with his hearing to locate his guide and lover. Sure enough, he heard his partner laughing merrily, sounding happy and perhaps just a little inebriated, and Jim shook his head fondly. Blair couldn’t hold his liquor worth shit, but he was a cute drunk, and hopefully hadn’t partaken to such an extent that he’d have the hangover from hell in the morning. Climbing out of his vehicle and locking it behind him, Jim made his way over to the pub and automatically dialled his hearing back down in deference to the noise coming from within. The party was apparently still in full swing, with cheerfully raised voices and classic rock playing on the juke box, and Jim took a moment to survey the scene before him as he opened the door. 

Blair was standing at the bar, surrounded by a large group of laughing friends, who were obviously enjoying listening to one of his entertaining anecdotes. He was frequently interrupted by ribald but good-natured comments, which didn’t faze him at all, his flushed face and sparkling eyes testament to his uncomplicated pleasure and good humour. 

For an uncomfortable instant, Jim felt a pang of real concern that perhaps he was asking Blair to sacrifice too much for their partnership. It was obvious that Blair’s friends and ex-colleagues held him in great affection and esteem, and it seemed unfair to ask him to leave an environment which had been his life for over a decade. However, when the young man glanced over to catch his eye, the look Blair bestowed on him held nothing but love and pure happiness, and Jim felt a small but significant knot of anxiety loosen within him. They were going to be OK, and he knew that Blair truly was content with his choices. 

Walking over to join the group, Jim was soon absorbed in the boisterous camaraderie, although he only had one beer. When the party eventually began to wind down and the group began to disperse, with words of affectionate regret and well-wishes to Blair for his future, Jim threw an arm around his smaller lover’s waist and gently guided him out of the pub and towards the parking lot. 

“You OK, babe?” he asked solicitously, but with a warm smile. “That was some send-off, Chief. I think they’re all going to miss you!” 

Blair grinned happily up at him, pleasantly buzzed and apparently not in the least upset. “That’s nice of you to say, lover, but no, I’m fine, really. I’ve gotten everything I hoped for, and it’s not as if I’m cutting myself off from the U completely. Eli said just now that he’ll be looking to invite me back to give a few guest lectures and tutorials for Anthro post-grad students, so I’ll still be back on occasion. It’s all good, man,” and he giggled endearingly as he tripped over his own feet. 

“Only you,” Jim murmured affectionately as he supported his friend, tightening his arm around the slender waist. 

Just then, both men slowed to a halt as they were approached by another couple. Ginny and her new boyfriend were walking towards them, their arms likewise wrapped around each other’s waists, their manner somewhat diffident, but determined nevertheless. Halting in front of them, Ginny blushed a little as she addressed Blair quietly. Her body language was a little awkward, and her eyes anxious, but she met both his and Jim’s gaze steadily anyway. 

“Um, hello Blair. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry we couldn’t make your leaving party, but I didn’t think it would be right. I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable, but I just wanted to congratulate you on your doctorate, and I wish you well. I hope that everything works out for you, and no hard feelings, I hope?” 

Blair was silent for a moment, then he smiled softly. “Jim, this is Ginny and her partner, Alistair Lindeman. Alistair’s a virtuoso violinist, but he plays a mean bass guitar too. Ginny, Alistair, meet Jim. Detective Ellison, Cascade PD. 

“Thank you for coming, Ginny, and for your good wishes. I appreciate it very much. And I truly hope that you are both as happy as I – we – are,” he added, casting a loving glance up into Jim’s somewhat taut and watchful face. 

Relaxing now in the face of Blair’s genuinely accepting attitude, Ginny smiled more happily. “Thanks, Blair. For being so understanding,” and she held out her free hand to him. Blair took it in both of his and shook it warmly. 

“You’re welcome, Ginny. Take care now, both!” and he and Jim watched them walk away, duty done and apologies made and accepted. Almost _sotto voce_, but perfectly clear to sentinel hearing, Blair murmured, “Goodbye, Ginny Bailey. And thank you!” 

Then he looked up into Jim’s faintly quizzical gaze, his eyes brimming with love as he explained. “I needed to thank Ginny for opening my eyes and showing me who I really needed in my life. Who really is ‘The One’ for me, forever.” 

And Jim nodded in understanding, his own eyes full of love for this wonderful man who was all his to love and protect as long as they both lived. Leaning down, he dropped a kiss on Blair’s smooth forehead. 

“You’re right again, baby,” he agreed softly. “Let’s go home.” 

So they did.   


**The End **


End file.
